My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
