Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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