If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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