So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
