I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
