he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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