I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize