I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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