she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
