fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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