you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
