i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
