That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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