I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
