I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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