dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
God, I missed his penis.
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