i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
