my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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