i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
