Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
