I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
