dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My ass is underappreciated
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
