I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
