I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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