I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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