FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
