Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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