I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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