so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
