First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize