it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
