my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize