He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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