his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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