Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
