I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
