we have pet lesbian snakes
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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