I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
