can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
