birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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