are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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