i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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