i think my mom watched the whole time
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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