I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I need a hoe opinion
go on
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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