what day is it and did you see me today?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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