the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
