nut hugger
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
