I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
not ubering you a puppy
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
