Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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