you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Green mimosas i think yes
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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