if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
