What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
