sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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