Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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