your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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