i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
