I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
