I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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