What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Someone came in the potted fern
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
